until Texas vs Kansas

Thursday, October 20


Drawing the line

This rant comes after my email inbox was bombarded with mp3 files of the USC Trojan band by this hack job, Julie Ellis. You can read her worthless sales pitch here

Dear Ms. Ellis,

I went to your company’s website, and saw your little sales pitch. I guess I shouldn’t be terribly surprised, considering you’re a USC fan, and you’re operating out of Costa Freakin’ Mesa, California (what a hellhole). Can I be honest with you? I mean, apparently we’re on a friendly enough basis where you can bomb my email inbox with mp3 files of the USC Trojan band, so I’ll take the liberty of assuming that you’re up for a little constructive criticism.

For one thing, the thing is written at about a 9th grade level. In Costa Mesa, that may be considered a compliment, but I assure you, in this context it is not. Seriously, it’s the most unimaginative hack job I’ve seen in quite some time. But beyond being painful to read, and well beyond the issue of whether I’d ever consider taking a loan from someone with a business pitch as bad as this one, it’s got some basic errors that you should really consider fixing.

The message opens with: “You know what it takes to succeed. Hard work, sacrifice and dedication. Which has in turn allowed you to buy a house and make it your home.”

Julie, I hope you’re a better loan officer than you are a writer! Your first sentence is fine, but the next two are what we call ‘fragments’ – they aren’t complete sentences. Second, hard work, sacrifice, and dedication don’t allow you to buy a house. Money does. I know lots of hard working, dedicated folks who sacrifice a lot, but can’t afford a home. And I know a hell of a lot of lazy, selfish bums who are home owners. I’m splitting hairs a bit, but hey, you picked this fight.

Look, I know you patted yourself on the back for sending a Longhorn fan the Trojan fight songs via email. I guess I’ll pat myself on the back for being so annoyed by it that I’m taking the time to deconstruct your worthless sales pitch.

So as I sign off here, let me offer my own sales pitch to the homeowners of Costa Mesa, California who might need a loan: Don’t choose ASAP Equity. If they can’t be bothered to write something even remotely compelling, or at the least grammatically correct, then they probably aren’t to be trusted with money.

Hey now. Costa Mesa does have a Z Tejas.

Makes the 60 minute drive almost worth it.
I really don't think this is enough. What you need to do is have someone you know befriend this woman, take compromising photographs, and then post them on the internet. This would be preferable if the person you know is from Texas, and you can show the photograph of the two of them engaging in the horizontal Hokey Pokey. Beneath it, you can print the caption, "This is the only way a Trojan can score when facing Texas."
Given the hack job website, I doubt she has consent to use the USC fight song, which usually needs to be licensed from the university. So, if you really want to cause some trouble, you might report her infringement to the University, as a "concerned" friend of the unversity. If nothing else, it should be good for at least a nasty cease and desist letter and a decent pain in the ass on her part. I would direct you here, although it looks like they primarily handle trademarks, it's a good starting point for causing her some major trouble.

USC Trademark Office
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